why do i feel i'm gonna be the crappiest doc alive??
i know nuts about anything, everything.
PEANUTS.
n i HATE studying the reproductive system. so boring. argh.
what are the odds of me graduating without knowing a thing about it?
hmmm.....
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Friday, November 06, 2009
of vents and rants and gunny sacks.
....and i feel like telling certain ppl....
if u don't want me for the research can u at least TELL ME????? waliao.... november edi leh... dowan say dowan at least have email me n say sorry u'v been rejected la.... ppl need to plan summer stuff ok... or at least i need to start seeking out weird electives to take next sem.....
=(
yes i very frust. stupid articles. n stupid 'questions-they-expect-u-to-ask-when-they-say-so-do-u-hav-any-questions??-in-interviews.' padahal ask 'so, do u hav any questions?' it's a QUESTION rite. so i can say either 'yes' or 'no' right???? why la when i say 'no, not really', they always think 'oh,this person mmg no interest in the project.she's just trying her luck.' walau-weih...ppl go all the way to MATER'S n get LOST n end up in PHOENIX PARK n hav to take 6euro CAB to the HOSPITAL at 9AM IN THE MORNING WHEN I HAV EXAM IN THE EVENING....!!!!! pls la, if i dowan i'll just NOT TURN UP for the darn 10mins chat ok... sheesh...
n yes, i'm only 'assuming' what they thought when i replied 'no i haven't read the articles attached' n 'no i hav no questions really'.. but since i keep assuming, i may as well vent it out here n move on. sweat.
stupid insomnia. go away. my eyebags are growing into eye-sacks. gunny sacks. and my mind is getting sick of tossing in bed n not being able to sleep.
if u don't want me for the research can u at least TELL ME????? waliao.... november edi leh... dowan say dowan at least have email me n say sorry u'v been rejected la.... ppl need to plan summer stuff ok... or at least i need to start seeking out weird electives to take next sem.....
=(
yes i very frust. stupid articles. n stupid 'questions-they-expect-u-to-ask-when-they-say-so-do-u-hav-any-questions??-in-interviews.' padahal ask 'so, do u hav any questions?' it's a QUESTION rite. so i can say either 'yes' or 'no' right???? why la when i say 'no, not really', they always think 'oh,this person mmg no interest in the project.she's just trying her luck.' walau-weih...ppl go all the way to MATER'S n get LOST n end up in PHOENIX PARK n hav to take 6euro CAB to the HOSPITAL at 9AM IN THE MORNING WHEN I HAV EXAM IN THE EVENING....!!!!! pls la, if i dowan i'll just NOT TURN UP for the darn 10mins chat ok... sheesh...
n yes, i'm only 'assuming' what they thought when i replied 'no i haven't read the articles attached' n 'no i hav no questions really'.. but since i keep assuming, i may as well vent it out here n move on. sweat.
stupid insomnia. go away. my eyebags are growing into eye-sacks. gunny sacks. and my mind is getting sick of tossing in bed n not being able to sleep.
where?
today Jo asked me, 'where is your......'
'my enthusiasm?' i answered.
'hmm..not really...your heart, i suppose...'
where's my heart? i don't know. i've lost all enthusiasm, all passion. all i want to do is get people to sit down and open the Word and STUDY it whole-heartedly. that's all i want to do. somehow worship is neglected - ie songs/singing. why? well i suppose i find it really stressful, in a way, for me to always be asking people week after week, 'can you lead worship next thursday....?' because there're so few to ask from, and once i've gone 'one round', so to speak, i feel bad asking the same person again.
i suppose for me right now, singing doesn't mean that much. i mean, contemporary songs. hymns i don't mind, anytime, anywhere. but put me in a charismatic-like situation, and all my danger flags go up. flagging madly in the invisible wind. why? you tell me. i have no idea.
wonder if you realized... a group's dynamics n path is crazily influenced by the leader him/herself. if the leader is the charismatic type, be prepared for all the lifting of hands and loud music. not that it's a bad thing. indeed, it isn't. but if the leader is quiet and hmm... less creative, maybe? then you get what others will call a 'dull' bible study, week in and week out. worship sometimes, but not much.
sigh. then again, that's not very right. i don't know. i'm too tired of doing everything. not that there aren't ppl to help. i suppose i'm just a worrier. and i really really really feel bad asking people to do this n do that, when i myself am free and in a 'better position', so to speak, of doing it. but at the end of the day, it feels like.... will this never end?? people say, 'don't try to do everything...you're not alone...' my answer now would be, 'come, take over my position. THEN advise me.' i know what they say it's true. but you really have to be in that position first - then you realise... it isn't as easy as it sounds. coz in the first place, once you step up to that position, you become satan's target. like, it's SO obvious he's behind all this. i suppose i'm pretty tired of resisting him. too tired to rebuke him. ah, what tosh i'm writing now!
i'm the worst leader i know. yes, leaders are made, not born. sometimes i wish they were born. it only takes 9 months and a few hours of labour to get them out n going. something like that. trying to mold a leader from a follower? prolly takes a lifetime.
Lord, did you choose the wrong person?
where's my heart for You?
I can't find it.
'my enthusiasm?' i answered.
'hmm..not really...your heart, i suppose...'
where's my heart? i don't know. i've lost all enthusiasm, all passion. all i want to do is get people to sit down and open the Word and STUDY it whole-heartedly. that's all i want to do. somehow worship is neglected - ie songs/singing. why? well i suppose i find it really stressful, in a way, for me to always be asking people week after week, 'can you lead worship next thursday....?' because there're so few to ask from, and once i've gone 'one round', so to speak, i feel bad asking the same person again.
i suppose for me right now, singing doesn't mean that much. i mean, contemporary songs. hymns i don't mind, anytime, anywhere. but put me in a charismatic-like situation, and all my danger flags go up. flagging madly in the invisible wind. why? you tell me. i have no idea.
wonder if you realized... a group's dynamics n path is crazily influenced by the leader him/herself. if the leader is the charismatic type, be prepared for all the lifting of hands and loud music. not that it's a bad thing. indeed, it isn't. but if the leader is quiet and hmm... less creative, maybe? then you get what others will call a 'dull' bible study, week in and week out. worship sometimes, but not much.
sigh. then again, that's not very right. i don't know. i'm too tired of doing everything. not that there aren't ppl to help. i suppose i'm just a worrier. and i really really really feel bad asking people to do this n do that, when i myself am free and in a 'better position', so to speak, of doing it. but at the end of the day, it feels like.... will this never end?? people say, 'don't try to do everything...you're not alone...' my answer now would be, 'come, take over my position. THEN advise me.' i know what they say it's true. but you really have to be in that position first - then you realise... it isn't as easy as it sounds. coz in the first place, once you step up to that position, you become satan's target. like, it's SO obvious he's behind all this. i suppose i'm pretty tired of resisting him. too tired to rebuke him. ah, what tosh i'm writing now!
i'm the worst leader i know. yes, leaders are made, not born. sometimes i wish they were born. it only takes 9 months and a few hours of labour to get them out n going. something like that. trying to mold a leader from a follower? prolly takes a lifetime.
Lord, did you choose the wrong person?
where's my heart for You?
I can't find it.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
banned.
sigh..i think i'm having some hypersensitivity disorder today... i get so irritated at all the noise around me... maybe i should've stayed at home n done cal..argh... noisy ppl should be banned from comp labs =.= but then again, sometimes im in the noisy group. sooo... haih... the penny drops again....
GI cal exam next week. 15%. i'm so numb.headache. arghs.
=(
GI cal exam next week. 15%. i'm so numb.headache. arghs.
=(
one moment in time...
in that one moment, i thought i could. that i would. that it didn't matter; i didn't care. about the consequences, the lost effort. but then i trembled. literally. the way i always do when He prompts and speaks. not always, but when He is near, mostly as a warning. and still i persisted in thinking i could do it. doggedly, shamelessly. but He 'does not give His glory to another', as the Psalms put it. and so the tables turned against me, and obstacles arose. immediately, one after another. as if He was desperate to get this message across to me : NO, my child. NO.
finally i gave up. not because i wanted to be obedient; simply because i realized one thing would lead to another. and that there is nothing hidden that will not be uncovered, nothing secret that will not be disclosed. in time. and i shuddered to think of the worst consequence. of broken promises and dishonour; of disobedience and regret.
why, o Lord, do you persist so? and yet i know You must - for i asked you to, long ago. never to let me dishonour You. i know You care more than i do; i have still to learn that it is You who is needed, not me. not my feeble encouragements, my selfish 'it'll be alright's. yet not I, but God. and so i thank you. for intervening when i most needed you. for stopping me just in time. for otherwise... the consequences of my actions would have been more than i can bear. and it would put me back. to square one. my duty is to You, and You alone. I may have accountability partners, but even when they fail, it is You who stands firm. and holds me accountable. for only You can judge the attitudes of this fragile heart.
Forgive me, Lord. for doubting Your Love. and Your Promises. for trying to do things 'my way'. as if i knew what the outcome would be. for trying to dethrone You in my life and heart. I'm Sorry.
are you supreme in my life, my Lord?
finally i gave up. not because i wanted to be obedient; simply because i realized one thing would lead to another. and that there is nothing hidden that will not be uncovered, nothing secret that will not be disclosed. in time. and i shuddered to think of the worst consequence. of broken promises and dishonour; of disobedience and regret.
why, o Lord, do you persist so? and yet i know You must - for i asked you to, long ago. never to let me dishonour You. i know You care more than i do; i have still to learn that it is You who is needed, not me. not my feeble encouragements, my selfish 'it'll be alright's. yet not I, but God. and so i thank you. for intervening when i most needed you. for stopping me just in time. for otherwise... the consequences of my actions would have been more than i can bear. and it would put me back. to square one. my duty is to You, and You alone. I may have accountability partners, but even when they fail, it is You who stands firm. and holds me accountable. for only You can judge the attitudes of this fragile heart.
Forgive me, Lord. for doubting Your Love. and Your Promises. for trying to do things 'my way'. as if i knew what the outcome would be. for trying to dethrone You in my life and heart. I'm Sorry.
are you supreme in my life, my Lord?
Monday, November 02, 2009
sufficient for me.
Above the voices of the world around me,
my hopes and dreams, my cares and loves and fears,
the long-awaited call of Christ has found me,
the voice of Jesus echoes in my ears:
'I gave my life to break the cords that bind you,
I rose from death to set your spirit free;
turn from your sins and put the past behind you,
take up your cross and come and follow me.'
What can I offer him who calls me to him?
Only the wastes of sin and self and shame;
a mind confused, a heart that never knew him,
a tongue unskilled at naming Jesus' Name.
Yet at your call, and hungry for your blessing,
drawn by that cross which moves a heart of stone,
now Lord I come, my tale of sin confessing,
and in repentance turn to you alone.
Lord, I believe; help now my unbelieving;
I come in faith because your promise stands.
Your word of pardon and of peace receiving,
all that I am I place within your hands.
Let me become what you shall choose to make me,
freed from the guilt and burden of my sins.
Jesus is mine, who never shall forsake me,
and in his love my new-born life begins.
(Above the voices of the world around me; Timothy Dudley-Smith)
today this hymn made me cry. in church. standing between sarah n jennifer. who were probably wondering what on earth was wrong.
the scripture today: '...if anyone would come after me [Jesus], he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. ...if anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this sinful and adulterous generation, the Son of Man [Jesus] will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father's glory with the holy angels.' (Mark 8:34, 38)
what is it that we cling to so tightly that God may have to prise away our fingers to take it?
'denying myself' is not just 'giving up chocolate for Lent'. it is the daily surrender of all my hopes and dreams, everything and everyone i hold dear to my heart - to be given to God. that He may do as pleases Him.
'taking up my cross' isn't living a life weighed down and ascetic. it doesn't mean i live my life under a dark cloud. you see, if you were walking down a road in Rome in the 1st century and saw a man carrying a cross; you would know two things immediately. that man was a criminal. headed for the place of crucifixion. to death.
and so we live our lives knowing this: that to be called after His Name means simply that we will walk that same path He did. the path of rejection, suffering, perhaps even death for His sake. yet not all of us will end our lives literally dying for Him. so how does this apply to us - this 'carrying' of our cross? well, it means living our life for Him. making Him Sovereign LORD over every area of our lives; be it in relationships, hopes, plans, career... to honour Him in every decision we choose to make.
you see, if Christ is not sufficient for us; if we are not brought to that point in life when we can truly say, 'Lord, you're all that I need - Everything to me' - then sadly, Christ is not supreme over our lives.
an on-going process, a daily denial and surrender, to be sure. but have you begun on that road? have you asked Him to be Everything. to you. ?
my hopes and dreams, my cares and loves and fears,
the long-awaited call of Christ has found me,
the voice of Jesus echoes in my ears:
'I gave my life to break the cords that bind you,
I rose from death to set your spirit free;
turn from your sins and put the past behind you,
take up your cross and come and follow me.'
What can I offer him who calls me to him?
Only the wastes of sin and self and shame;
a mind confused, a heart that never knew him,
a tongue unskilled at naming Jesus' Name.
Yet at your call, and hungry for your blessing,
drawn by that cross which moves a heart of stone,
now Lord I come, my tale of sin confessing,
and in repentance turn to you alone.
Lord, I believe; help now my unbelieving;
I come in faith because your promise stands.
Your word of pardon and of peace receiving,
all that I am I place within your hands.
Let me become what you shall choose to make me,
freed from the guilt and burden of my sins.
Jesus is mine, who never shall forsake me,
and in his love my new-born life begins.
(Above the voices of the world around me; Timothy Dudley-Smith)
today this hymn made me cry. in church. standing between sarah n jennifer. who were probably wondering what on earth was wrong.
the scripture today: '...if anyone would come after me [Jesus], he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. ...if anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this sinful and adulterous generation, the Son of Man [Jesus] will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father's glory with the holy angels.' (Mark 8:34, 38)
what is it that we cling to so tightly that God may have to prise away our fingers to take it?
'denying myself' is not just 'giving up chocolate for Lent'. it is the daily surrender of all my hopes and dreams, everything and everyone i hold dear to my heart - to be given to God. that He may do as pleases Him.
'taking up my cross' isn't living a life weighed down and ascetic. it doesn't mean i live my life under a dark cloud. you see, if you were walking down a road in Rome in the 1st century and saw a man carrying a cross; you would know two things immediately. that man was a criminal. headed for the place of crucifixion. to death.
and so we live our lives knowing this: that to be called after His Name means simply that we will walk that same path He did. the path of rejection, suffering, perhaps even death for His sake. yet not all of us will end our lives literally dying for Him. so how does this apply to us - this 'carrying' of our cross? well, it means living our life for Him. making Him Sovereign LORD over every area of our lives; be it in relationships, hopes, plans, career... to honour Him in every decision we choose to make.
you see, if Christ is not sufficient for us; if we are not brought to that point in life when we can truly say, 'Lord, you're all that I need - Everything to me' - then sadly, Christ is not supreme over our lives.
an on-going process, a daily denial and surrender, to be sure. but have you begun on that road? have you asked Him to be Everything. to you. ?
Friday, October 30, 2009
at 12.14am...
i need to get myself to SIT DOWN and study and prepare
my bible study draft.
AHAH. you thought i meant locomotor aite?? =p
starts 11th nov, 7.45-9.45. pm. means i have to leave at say...6.45?? just to be there on time. late for an interview with prof macmathuna (yes that's his name) is one thing; late for a bible study training in church with at least 7 other ppl (make that 8 if u include God) waiting for you, is another. i seem to think the latter scene is more horrifying.
and i almost told the receptionist at the hosp the other day,
'hi, i have a 9am appointment with professor macTuna...'
luckily i got stuck at the 'mac-' part. but she understood me just fine. wonder how many others have blundered as well. but he's real nice. actually more like he sat there n evaluated me from head to toe while david murray talked.
i really want this... but... messed up big time... sigh.... stupid articles that i didn't even know existed =(
other option: choppity-chop! *only cath wil understand. haha.*
argh. i really want this!!! but Lord, you know best. please please provide the best option...
my bible study draft.
AHAH. you thought i meant locomotor aite?? =p
starts 11th nov, 7.45-9.45. pm. means i have to leave at say...6.45?? just to be there on time. late for an interview with prof macmathuna (yes that's his name) is one thing; late for a bible study training in church with at least 7 other ppl (make that 8 if u include God) waiting for you, is another. i seem to think the latter scene is more horrifying.
and i almost told the receptionist at the hosp the other day,
'hi, i have a 9am appointment with professor macTuna...'
luckily i got stuck at the 'mac-' part. but she understood me just fine. wonder how many others have blundered as well. but he's real nice. actually more like he sat there n evaluated me from head to toe while david murray talked.
i really want this... but... messed up big time... sigh.... stupid articles that i didn't even know existed =(
other option: choppity-chop! *only cath wil understand. haha.*
argh. i really want this!!! but Lord, you know best. please please provide the best option...
Friday, October 23, 2009
s.o.s.
eeenuuuffffff histo...!!!!!
enuf pink-purple-white pictures!!!! gimme some other colours, for gudness' sake.....
siggghhhh.......
will this never end????? =.=
if research is gonna be like that, i must have been deluded as a kid...
enuf pink-purple-white pictures!!!! gimme some other colours, for gudness' sake.....
siggghhhh.......
will this never end????? =.=
if research is gonna be like that, i must have been deluded as a kid...
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
inverting snobbery
Loco postponed.... =)
yay. i think. yep, yay is correct. at least i hav the whole weekend next week to mugg.
yesterday evening i was ... depress-ing in my room. then i lay on the floor n looked out the window. n i saw...
a rainbow. a great big rainbow.
still i was not convinced. questions that muddled my brain kept bugging me. why should i ask You to help me if i don't do well anyway? what difference does it make?
in the end i realized... and am still learning to accept...
when God says, 'I will help you,' in your exams... it doesn't mean, 'you'll be the top' or 'you'll remember every single ningy-pingy detail you glanced across or even studied'. it doesn't mean you'll have superb memory.
it means, simply... 'I will be there with you.' pass or fail, top scores or just-scraping through. He will be with me. comforting me in disappointments, rejoicing with me when i do well.
people always say, 'let your results glorify God.' - and then take it to mean you HAVE to do well to glorify Him. which is true, definitely. but i suppose the other side of the coin is... you'll glorify Him with your attitude. your diligence in revising. your honesty in answering the questions. your lack of complaining and whinging about exams or the outcome. your acceptance of a C or a D - an E, even. maybe? and your sincerity in rejoicing with others who excel.
the worst thing the world could produce is (in my opinion), a proud doctor. an arrogant, 'i-know-it-all' being who doesn't give a hoot about others. coz doctors are meant to serve.
like Job in the Bible, can we honestly say, 'we accept good things from the Lord. should we not accept the bad as well?'
discipline is tough. but God is Gracious.
good for our inverted snobbery and superiority complex, no? to be reminded who's really in charge. who's been giving you all the As that you don't deserve, no matter what you think.
hmm....
yay. i think. yep, yay is correct. at least i hav the whole weekend next week to mugg.
yesterday evening i was ... depress-ing in my room. then i lay on the floor n looked out the window. n i saw...
a rainbow. a great big rainbow.
still i was not convinced. questions that muddled my brain kept bugging me. why should i ask You to help me if i don't do well anyway? what difference does it make?
in the end i realized... and am still learning to accept...
when God says, 'I will help you,' in your exams... it doesn't mean, 'you'll be the top' or 'you'll remember every single ningy-pingy detail you glanced across or even studied'. it doesn't mean you'll have superb memory.
it means, simply... 'I will be there with you.' pass or fail, top scores or just-scraping through. He will be with me. comforting me in disappointments, rejoicing with me when i do well.
people always say, 'let your results glorify God.' - and then take it to mean you HAVE to do well to glorify Him. which is true, definitely. but i suppose the other side of the coin is... you'll glorify Him with your attitude. your diligence in revising. your honesty in answering the questions. your lack of complaining and whinging about exams or the outcome. your acceptance of a C or a D - an E, even. maybe? and your sincerity in rejoicing with others who excel.
the worst thing the world could produce is (in my opinion), a proud doctor. an arrogant, 'i-know-it-all' being who doesn't give a hoot about others. coz doctors are meant to serve.
like Job in the Bible, can we honestly say, 'we accept good things from the Lord. should we not accept the bad as well?'
discipline is tough. but God is Gracious.
good for our inverted snobbery and superiority complex, no? to be reminded who's really in charge. who's been giving you all the As that you don't deserve, no matter what you think.
hmm....
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